I had to check my ego

I have NO IDEA what happened to me that day in March of 2020 when we got the news that all businesses would have to shut their doors indefinitely due to the emerging pandemic, but…I shut down too.

And it’s too bad because right before the sudden closures I was on cloud nine.  

I was coaching a successful movement class at a local boutique gym, which I loved. I was gaining momentum with my health coaching business in addition to working full-time at a private gym.

I was getting offers to speak on the topic of health, wellness, and goal setting. I was making great headway on my functional nutrition health coaching certification.  AND, I was in the best athletic shape of my life having just achieved a few performance goals I had like the muscle-up.

And then Covid hit and I just stopped. My disciplined nature seemed to vanish overnight. 

I replaced going to bed and getting up early with late nights and sleeping in. I swapped meal prep and batch cooking with wayyyy too much takeout. Reading became no match for Netflix bingeing. And yoga tights got swapped for sweatpants (okay I’ll admit that last one was pretty much a lateral move, but you get my point).

Maybe I crashed because I didn’t notice for how long and how hard I was actually working and it took government-imposed closures for me to *finally* slow down. I admit not the healthiest way to slow down, but it worked.

Maybe the uncertainty of everything that was happening and the fact that a lot of the progress I was making on the career front just disappeared from one day to the next sent me into a dark place.

It was probably a combination of both if I’m truly honest.  

All I know is that I picked up a lot of bad habits during the pandemic. 

Thankfully an escape to Puerto Vallarta Mexico in January 2021 snapped me out of my funk.

I ended up staying there for a year and a half, and began health coaching again and started being active again.

But I was nowhere near as disciplined as I was in Montreal. I mean come on…it’s Mexico. There were still many late nights with new friends, a lot of tacos, and a lot of margaritas. I was active but I wasn’t training at the level or intensity as before.

But I was fine with it at the time. I was happy again. So much so that I dreaded my inevitable return to Montreal.

I finally did make the trek North in June of 2022. Only to discover that it was like home again. It was the pre-pandemic Montreal that I remembered and I proceeded to have an epic summer, a gorgeous fall, and am currently living a winter that by Canadian standards has been “mild”.  And I’m LOVING every minute of it. 

I FINALLY felt ready to get back into the swing of things physically, professionally and financially so I set a crap ton of goals for myself failing to take into account that while it felt like pre-pandemic Montreal, I was certainly NOT pre-pandemic Nicki.

I thought that because I had been disciplined for so long that I could just reverse almost three years of bad habits at the drop of a hat.

Getting up early? F**k that! Going to the gym 5 days a week?  I better be happy with 3. Meal prep and batch cooking? Is this some sort of medieval torture? Updating my website and writing for my blog? What website? What blog? Reigning in my discretionary spending? Maybe just one more item from Amazon.   

Once I stepped back it was clear that this was your classic case of “trying to do too much too fast”. Something I warn my health coaching clients about all the time. And now here I was.

I had to check my ego. Acknowledge my true starting point. And take things back a notch, or two…or three. 

So that’s what I did. And it was very humbling. Even hard to accept at first.

And at times I *still* experience resistance in the form of: dishonoring the present moment by wishing I was further along on my current path. Or feeling like I’ve failed myself for “letting myself go” in the first place. Or insisting to myself that I should be doing more.   

And you know what? All of those feelings are okay, as long as I know they are just that…feelings. Not truth, but fleeting emotions. And the more I accept the resistance in all of it’s manifestations the less those feelings of resistance show up.

I just keep reminding myself that this time I m on the Master’s Journey. And there is no end to this path. Only growth. So why not take my time to build a strong foundation? Something that is done gradually. Rather than being in a hurry to get back to “what was”.

So I sat down and reset my goals. Now I’m doing less, with less intensity, but with greater depth (Chronos vs Kairos time) and awareness. I will scale my progress at a pace that makes sense for me. 

I’m no longer in a rush to get back to “where I used to be” because the truth is I can never be what I was. I can’t go back, I can only move forward and create something new. Hopefully something better. 

Are you still on the struggle bus to get back to “where you were” before the pandemic? Except, your bus stop never seems to come up?  Or have you already embarked on your own Master’s Journey where you are taking your time and being intentional to build something new?

Let me know in the comments.